If I had a dollar for every time I’ve stood in the mirror and stared myself down while I repeat aloud, “Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay.” I’d be able to pay off at least a little bit of my student debt.
Throughout my life I’ve lived ups and downs that has left me in this state of reoccurring unease that nothing good will happen to me. I better not get used to what good things I’ve happened to somehow stumble upon because those things will eventually be ripped from my hands as God laughs maniacally like some evil deity that’s playing Sims in the sky.
This regular thinking leads me to this place of always preparing for the worst while believing it’s just around the corner.
Don’t get me wrong! I believe there’s something to be said for practicing fire drills. Don’t you want your family to know where to meet incase of an emergency? However, I don’t think it’s productive or healthy to run these fire drills at all hours of the night and day after day for months on end; constantly playing them on an endless loop whether the sun is shining or storms are brewing.
Where does the loop lead you?
In the bathroom, staring yourself down in the mirror, repeating for the umpteenth time, “Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay”
The past few years of my life have felt a little like a roller coaster and despite how much of a cliche that may sound, I believe cliches turn into such because they’re a pretty accurate observation of what has and is occurring.
You don’t say “smooth like butter” if the task at hand is difficult. You don’t say “spending money like you have a hole in your pocket” if you don’t actually impulse buy every time you walk into a store with a red circle logo that won’t be named because they haven’t given me a sponsorship… yet. You don’t say “all that and a bag of chips” if you really aren’t going to give me a bag of crunchy snacks.
My Aunt Judy with my cousins Abby and Hailey - Thanksgiving of 2017
I graduated college with a degree I would have never imagined receiving, I moved 4 times - one being back home with my family, my grandpa passed away, I left a job I had been at for over 5 years, my aunt passed away, I learned how to make lots of balloon animals, I went back to a job, I performed in three musicals, I made new friends and reconnected with ones I had no idea how much I needed back in my life, I rediscovered a passion, I gave a speech on something I’ve struggled with all my life, I’ve worked harder than I ever thought I could, I started spending time with a kid who I’m grateful for and who somehow thinks I’m cool enough to spend time with and I’ve gone on a spiritual journey that somedays I just don’t understand.
So what has all this taught me about roller coasters? They eventually come to a rest.
For whatever reason I had convinced myself that mine never would. I was constantly in this cycle where I had extreme ups and downs and loops and tunnels that you go into and for some reason people raise their arms and they don’t get torn off because the people who design those roller coaster tunnels can somehow account for those passengers that have super long arms and the fact they can do that and the passengers JUST. HAVE. FAITH. the roller coaster tunnel designers can do that, absolutely blows… my… mind…
Our minds are powerful and I believe my struggle with thoughts, feelings, worries, anxieties and obsessions only reenforced the belief that my safety bar was down and I couldn’t get off the ride. I don’t believe everything is always, “just in your head” like people will make things out to be but I do believe our inner dialogue matters a lot more than we give it credit for.
What we tell ourselves matters.
What we believe about ourselves matters.
What we tell ourselves to believe about ourselves matters.
Before I go I wanted to share a quote I discovered that’s become my mantra over the past several months. I hope whatever you’re facing today, you find strength in the outcome of an obstacle.
“One day the mountain that is in front of you will be so far behind you, it will be barely visible in the distance. But the person you become in learning to get over it? That will stay with you forever. And that is the point of the mountain." -- Brianna Wiest
